CATHARSIS frOm mY diAspOrA..=p

"The eXpeRienCe oF hAViNg beEn iN thE aBbYs hAs tAughT mE tHaT LifE's nOt sO simpLe Yet  iT's  nOt tHat haRd eiTheR. For sOmE rEasOn I haD tO faLL aNd HiT tHe gRouNd eVen iF i aLrEadY sAw tHat cOminG.  FoR sOme rEasOn  i Had  tO pAy tHe pRicE oF hAvinG tHat dAmn sTandardizEd pRide. ThAt pRidE i Had wiTh mE oN thE veRge oF mY jOurney mAde Me aN eXpaTriAte, a rEfuGeE in mY oWn terRitOry."

LoOkiNg baCk aT mY LiFe sUm yEarS aGo i LeArnEd tHat LiFe's nOt tHat sO chaLLenGinG at aLL. I'm haPPy tHat God gAve mE a siGn bLindEd bY aLL tHe coLorS tHaT LiFe hAd tO oFFer. I haD tO beAr wiTh tHe wRonG dEcisiOns tHat i mAde fOr mE tO bE abLe tO fiNd tHe rOad LeSs tRaveLLed. AnD yEs, I did fiNd tHat "road". ThAt rOad LeD mE tO aN enChanTed worLd fuLL oF creAtUres I hAvE nEvEr sEEn oR mEt beForE. TheSe cReaTurEs hAve bEEn sTuck wiTh mE dUriNg mY jOurNeY. ThEy aRe tHe peOpLe wHo'vE bEEn wiTh mE aLL tHrougHouT mY liFe. TogEthEr wE shArEd tHe saMe pAssiOn, dReaMs, goaLs, IDeAs AnD EMoTioNs. AgaiNsT eacH oThEr wE aRguEd & fOugHt and tHen eVentuaLLy maDe fRieNds aGain wHich was quite sAtisfYinG. BuT GoD hAD tO sEparAtE us iN oRdEr fOr mE to LeaRn aLL bY mYseLf.

My soLe dEvoTioN  fOr mY woRk aNd goaLs hAd nOt bEeN enOugh tO hiDe mY fEarS, inSecuRitiEs aNd weaKnesSes as An inDividuAL. FoR a wHiLe I had beEn veRy desPeraTe aNd fRustrAted oN wHat hAd tuRned oUt to bE thE wOrst sTorM tHat hAd sTrucK mY LiFe. I wAs sO fUriOus aND i feLt tHe wOrsT humiLiaTion eVer iN my LiFe. I diDn'T kNow wHat tO dO bUt rEmarKabLy, iT waS tHe vEry fiRst tiMe tHat tHe tHoughT oF coMmitTing sUiciDe wAs oUt of mY SySteM.

ThE tRiaLs aNd tRibuLatiOns tHat hAd cOme mY wAy duRinG tHat faTefuL sTagE iN mY LifE wAs sO unBearabLe. I haD bRokEn a Lot oF pRomisEs, i hAd RuiNed tHe hoPe aNd fAitH oF oThErs tO mE. AnD fOr tHosE tHinGs I hAd bEeN miSjuDgEd, mY reLatiOnshiP wiTh tHosE wHom I hUrt bAdLy hAd bEen sO deVasTaTinG tHat iT caMe tO a pOinT tHat I hAd aLmOst kiLLed sOmeOne.   

And aLas!bEcauSe oF tHat iNcidEnt, I hAd tO saCrifiCe mY peRsOnaL inTereSts aNd sET aLL oF iT aSidE. It's aS hArd aS aNyoNe cOuLd evEr iMaginE! As fOr tHose wHo hAve LoNg bEeN woNderiNg oN tHe reAsoNs wHy i hAd LeFt thE sHOre aNd iNsteAd saiLed aCrosS tHe PeriLous oCeaN, diSreGardiNg tHe dAngErs I aM suReLy tO enCounTer iN tHe neAr fuTurE, i wiLL nOw teLL u tHe trUth.

HaD nOt mY siTuatiOn aFfeCted mY eMotiOnaL, menTaL, pSychoLogicaL aNd spiRituaL weLLneSs whiCh iN tUrn couLd hAve a biG iMpacT oN mY fuTurE i wouLdn'T eVen dAre tO taKe a riSk on giVinG uP my  biGger pLans aNd raTher gO fOr tHe mOre simpLe oNes.

ALL gOod tHinGs cOme tO an eNd. The gOoD thiNgs I hAD wEre jUst  goOd drEamS aNd pLAnS,tHat wAs jUst iT. No fuLfiLLmeNt oR wHatsOEvEr!Or shouLd wE sAy, aLL iS a FAILURE!

I dReamT aNd fLew tOo hiGh aNd eNDeD uP dROpPinG in a hiGh iMpaCt. ThaT wAs tHe pRobLem. I fOrgOt tO pUt iN miNd tHat I mUstn'T LeT riChes iNterFerE wiTh mY LifE. I fOrgOt tHaT I haD nO riChEs nOr LuxuRy tO enTer thE kiNgdOm oF thE 'gOds' eVen iF I tAke wiTh mE sOme coLLaterALs,tHose oF whiCh aRe jUst tRansiTory. I fOrgOt tHAt unLeSs I hAd pRoVen myseLf reaLLy wOrtHy oF weaLth,pRidE aND fAmE iN aN oBjeCtiVe bAsiS tHen tHat's tHe mOmEnt tHat I couLd be weLcOmed aS aMong tHe eMinEnt.

It mAy bE a nEw jOurnEY fOr Me aNd I mAy hAve tO gEt baCk tO squAre One bUt I dOn'T cOnsiDer iT aS a cOmpLeX chaLLenGe. I kNow GoD iS aLwaYs wiTh mE aND He iS tHe reAson wHy I aM stiLL iN thiS jOurNEy. I hAd dEpaRTed fRom mY tRagiC aNd uNbeArabLe PaSt nOw tHroUgh HIS unConditiOnaL LoVe aNd meRcY. He hAs a nEvEr EnDiNG FAiTh iN mE nO mAttEr hOw mAny tiMes I faLL And faiL. He nEvEr gEts tiRed oF raiSinG mE uP aS His preciOus daUghTEr.

Comments

[Precious]

nice blog entry steph..how r u?